Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have feelings that need drinking.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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