I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I smell like Dick and happiness
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
