I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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