6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
