Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
