Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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