listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
