Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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