When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Less talking, more tequila
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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