You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
