ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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