i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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