Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize