if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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