I don't remember. Are we still dating?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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