Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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