So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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