How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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