dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
