Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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