Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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