Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
