got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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