Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
