Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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