I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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