I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
