How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
