So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
