I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
