I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
