considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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