: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
