Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize