This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
