You're my little dorito
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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