I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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