I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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