We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
