I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
