I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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