I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
