she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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