broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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