Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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