so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
