He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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