Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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