I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
