im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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