never play flip cup with pint glasses
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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