Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
