your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
