Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize