Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
