I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
