i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize