Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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