WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
