We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
