Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
