Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
