It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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