so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
