Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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